The MindFucking………for dummies Journal
There’s a whole chapter somewhere in there written just for you, if you can find it.
One Sunday morning I woke up and was too lazy to do anything and my headphones weren’t working. So I had to wait till the headphone repair guy opens at 11. Now I have 2 Sunday hours to kill. I decide to check out the new Ms Word installed on my computer. That’s how this whole thing started. Don’t get me wrong, I care for you people but I’d be lying if I said I did it just for you. But then again, you’re pretty stupid so you’ll believe anything I say.
So I’m writing and I lose track of time. The headphone guy opened shop and I’m still writing. Sometimes, my talent surprises me. This whole thing made for one unforgettable Sunday. I’ll always remember it.
I’d give you my e-mail id or postal address but you’d clog my mailboxes with hate-mail that I’ll never read so it would be really unfair to you. I’m like one of those devotees who’ll make a generous donation and then withhold their identity. Hope you benefit from my enterprise, or not…I don’t exactly give a fuck.
23nd January, 2010
To this mind fucking book, “Yes you are well and truly mind fucking.” The esteemed author, a school friend of mine, here gives astonishingly brutal review on our life, albeit with a slightly mind fucking twist to it. It gives an insight into the facets of our daily life according to the twisted school of thought that is Mr. Dwivedee. It gives some fascinating ideas on why lying is really a great thing to master. Also it is an essential ‘I don’t have anything to do on Sunday’ read. Hope you enjoy this piece of art, unconventional as it may be.
As I got up on a cool Sunday morning clearing my eye snot when I noticed a message from the author telling me to read a book he has just written (that’s right I get to read this book before most of the public)…
Waking up and directly going on to read this book was a bad idea. I would recommend readers of this book not to do so. The book does to an already dazed head what its title very rightly says it attempts to impart.
An hour goes by…
I try to figure out what my friend is going on ranting about in this piece of work he calls a book and soon I give up and write this piece for him on his insistence instead. My sober nature unlike his two fingers of whisky way of life does not permit me to be an appreciative reader of this book till I realise that I am sober what these people are drunk! My mind works in mysterious ways.
I pick up the book again…
Still no luck! Sorry Sid tried twice you’re a good friend and all but there is nothing that will try to make me understand anything that you’ve written in here.
I’m your first victim (I’m assuming so). Only the rest of the world remains to fall and swoon after reading this book.
(Notice how he called me Sid. I’d really rather people call me that. With a blasphemystic name like SIDDHANT! It’s a little hard to be treated like you’re not divinity’s human form. Sid sounds more friendly and forthcoming)
A Few more words of encouragement from the author
Hey! So I hear your life sucks, huh? Well, no wonder! Look at you! No seriously, go to the mirror and look at yourself. Take a nice long look. If you feel the disappointment burning like a needle in your vein, then you’ve opened the right book. Refer to this as a complete idiot’s guide to mindfucking.
This book will help you to realize your potential. Go back to all the happy moments in your life. Try and establish a connection. A common emotion that you experienced during all those moments. Besides joy (duh!). It could be pride or pleasure or guilt….whatever.
How long ago was the last time you felt this way? An hour(whoa! Stud!!)? A day? A week? If it’s over a week, get into rehab….or get an mri scan. Your brain’s not functioning right.
Still looking in the mirror? Now take a deep breath and say in a morbidly audible voice “Hi! My name is (Whatever people call you) and my life sucks. This is important. Without this, you can’t proceed to step 2 which is……..
I know….tacky tacky. But it’s important. Unless you know this person well, you have to understand how they think. You start at facebook. Look up their profile. This should give you a fair idea. If they have a photo album called “me and ma frnz” or “tympasssss” or if their favorite music has taylor swift love story or atif aslam…then you’re in luck. It’s an easy target. They’re like a blonde. People are of different kinds. But everybody is of a certain type. Stereotype. Be a racist. Not to them, No. But in your head. See what kind of people they hang out with. How they behave around people they’re comfortable with. Are you one of them? What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen them do? Stuff like that…get a general idea.
Through your teeth. To them. See if they call it. If they don’t, it could mean one of the two things – they don’t know OR they’re cool with it. Parents for instance, lie to them. Tell them you’re going for a party with some friends and then go out with some other friends. See what happens. Look, either they knew and they were cool with it, or they didn’t know ergo didn’t care. Either way, you got away with it.
Life’s all about getting away with things. If you can get away with it, you can get away with something bigger. Take it one step at a time. Slowly. Surely. But not so slowly that it’s pointless. You’ll know what that means when you get it right. And trust me, you will. As pathetic as you may be, there must be something you’ve done right in your life.
Getting back to lying, it’s tricky. You have to shove your hand straight up your arsehole and rip out your conscience like it’s a film covering all the cool stuff in you not allowing it to surface. Having a conscience is highly overrated. And having a heart is just a figure of speech, like get a life! Or how’s it hanging? It doesn’t mean anything.
You pathetic numbskull. Who told you there’s gonna be a cartoon after every step? It’s not a fucking comic book.
Sounds fun na? it is. Unless you have some stupid ridiculous definition of fun. But that’s a given…you’re still reading. What’s a phoenix? It’s dumbledore’s bird. (She had to kill him…stupid bitch. The 7th book would’ve been so much cooler if he was in it). But that’s neither here nor there. Just like you. You have what it takes (at least I’m hoping that’s how it is) but you don’t know how to get it, how to get there. So what do you do? You go back to the mirror. You sport a variety of facial expressions. It’s fun. Make a genuine attempt to look cool. And when you think you actually do, which is not to say that you actually do, think of what that expression means, what state of mind it reflects. That’s the state of mind you wanna be in. For most part of the day. Unless you get laid that day. Unless that’s the state of mind you chose (Whoa! Chills!!). And thus arose a new you, from the ashes of the old you. Just like a phoenix. But a phoenix is not real. Ignore that.
It’s just a cool word for hanging in there. We’re half way there. But we’re yet to get started. It’s like your parents did it and the miracle of conception and all that all that and now you’re in the uterus, waiting it out. This might take a while but after sometime, you need to start kicking. Make your presence felt. And slowly, people start to notice the bump caused by the hump. The hump that’s you and the bump being all that’s changed about you. The lesser you change, the harder it’ll be to notice. But that’s not your problem. Well, not entirely.
If you’re talkative, people will notice that you’re keeping to yourself a little too often now -> probable depressed about something -> hey there! Everything ok? You’ve not been yourself lately, what’s up? -> not much…just wondering how my life would’ve been different if I had (what you’re mindfucking for) -> oh! Is that it?! Here you go -> aaaand, MINDFUCKED! Hallelujah!
If you’re an introvert who keeps to themselves and is constantly worried about everything that doesn’t concern you, then people will notice that you’ve started talking a little too often now -> something’s up -> what’s up? -> not much…just realized that if I don’t ask, I don’t get anything that I want -> oh! You want something? Here you go -> aaaand, MINDFUCKED! Mazal tov!
Read the whole book you moron.
Something happened. You mindfucked someone to get what you want. Savor the moment. But review the situation. Replay the whole thing in your head. Analyze. Use one of those billboards thingis. Steal one from your workplace or college. Or make one, it’s a fun activity. Connect the dots. You did something right, knowingly or unintentionally. Put your finger on it. Then have two fingers of scotch.
This step is important because you just lost your virginity. You successfully orchestrated a mindfuck. So now you know, but do you? Can you do it again? You need to. If this was a fluke, or if you think it was a fluke, try something harder (that’s what she said). If possible, make an algorithm. Follow it. By and large, it’s all the same. If you did this right, you’ve gotten the hang of it and you know how things work.
That was fun right? So do it again. And again. Till you nail it. Or you’re reasonably sure you can nail it. Now that I know you’re actually reading, let’s list out a few definitions: or bust some common myths:
Mindfuck : refers to the process of manipulating or leading someone on in order to make them believe what one want them to. Usually used to get what one desires but is unable to get because someone disagrees with them or thinks differently.
Mindfucking: it is the science of handling someone’s mind with or without their knowledge. Must not be confused with the term brainfucking which refers to annoying someone till their brains are fucked.
Awesome: omnipotent, omniscient, perfect beyond all reason. Refer the “about the author” section.
Get laid: expression used to get someone to stop being lazy and have sexual intercourse. Usually followed by ‘!’
Want: from this point on, it means need. Carnal, de rigueur need.
Few more terms will be defined later. For now, make yourself comfortable with these terms. And mindfuck away till………
Till step 8
Feel the Poise
After having mindfucked for a while, whether you’ve been successful or unsuccessful (which reminds me – this is not an exact science. It is possible that there are people out there who cannot be mindfucked. With lots of practice, you will be able to tell these people apart. But with every mindfuck or attempted mindfuck, we learn something) you will feel lighter, sexier, fresh, psyched at all times, clean, dirty, naughty, turned on, focused, undaunted, nonplussed and a variety of other sensations. If you feel nauseous or you knee hurts or if your genitals itch, then you probably just need to see a doctor. Don’t delay. And get your teeth checked every once in a while. Doesn’t cost too much and makes you a better kisser or at least hygienic kisser.
This step is called feeling the poise. The objective of a mindfuck is to get something or acquire something. It need not even be a thing. It may be a favour, a sexual favour. Or it may be getting someone to feel differently about something or someone. Once you’ve been able to do that a few times, you start to feel good about youself. Now, half the battle’s won. Go back to the mirror. Look at the yourself. Feels good, huh? Duh! You’re not the same pathetic butt monkey that started reading the book. While then this was an S.O.S, now it’s a casual read. In less than 10 pages. (I know, I’m awesome….but the important thing is that you’re awesome too.) if you like chocolates, go have some. And if you’re reading this book to woo your girl, there’s a little experiment later. Refer to it. Enjoy this step. Have your coffee. Eat a muffin. Go for a jog. Then have a shower. Dry yourself. Look out of the window. Think about the time you were an imbecile and nothing was going your way…..
This one’s kinda optional. If you’re a charitable person, you wanna give back. So give back. Teach others how to mindfuck. There are two ways to do this – write your own book or simply lend them this one.
That was part 1. You can now read the rest of the book as case studies. It’s a little less condescending and obviously little mundane. But so are you. So shut up and keep reading.
Remember goosebumps? The book? Well, if you don’t, it was this book where you can randomly open up a page and start reading. I wouldn’t recommend it but maybe when you’re reading for the second or third time. (yeah…I’m a little optimistic, got a problem with that?)
This part will be a reference section. At various junctures in your life, you will find yourself in similar situations. You can choose to do as was done as mentioned here. Or not…your choice..
“I know who and what I am and I have a very distinct idea of what I’m capable of. Just because I go around asking people their opinion of me, does not mean that I’d bother changing myself just so their opinion of me would do justice to my abilities. What I do is a sugar coated form of amusement.”, Raghav Gupta confessed to me last Tuesday over breakfast. I had loosely mentioned while browsing through the menu of our favorite irani chillia restaurant that his life lacks the necessary self belief. That he had become a victim of judgment. Then I ordered the usual- omelet and bread butter. After a satisfying breakfast, we walked out without tipping. Raghav was of the opinion that tips are a waste of money. I followed his take on the subject while around him. Which is not to say that I disagreed with the idea but, nevertheless.
Life is following a pattern, howsoever vague and undefined. A pattern that defines a human being, one that he calls his own, one that he is remembered by. We follow it, sometimes completely oblivious to its presence. Its only when it comes to our notice that it gets branded as a rut. Ruts are bad. We try to bust ruts but we meticulously follow patterns, rituals. Unknowingly, we’ll wear a certain shirt only on a particular day of the week for whatever reason. Raghav was no exception to the phenomenon. Every Tuesday, he wore the same blue checked shirt. I didn’t bother bringing it to his notice. What good would that do after all? Until he overheard one of the waiters telling another waiter(obviously pissed off by Raghav’s stingy way of life) “Woh ek hi shirt wale ke liye hai. Thoda jal gaya hai, dede. Waise bhi kidhar tip deta hai! ” Suddenly, a pattern became a rut. It’s an annoying realization. Raghav wore a different shirt every subsequent Tuesday thereon. Which is again, a pattern.
Here’s a little exercise – try and figure out who the mindfucker was and who the mindfuckee or mindfucked was. Your answer is your answer. I’d like to think that raghav was the mindfuckee. As for who the mindfucker was….it could’ve been me. Or the waiter…..who’s to know? Doesn’t matter. Are you on a similar rut in your life? Do you follow a similar pattern/s?
Sleep on it.
Question – are you in love? Or is someone in love with you? Or are you in love with someone who is in love with you? (third time’s the charm). If your answer’s yes, to either one of those questions…this might come in handy. It’s a little experiment…
Aim: To woo girlfriend and make her fall in love once again.
Apparatus: Good chocolates, free time with her and well, a girlfriend.
Principal: i). Girls like chocolates.
ii).Chocolates are aphrodisiacs.
Theory: Since ancient times, man has been wooing his women by getting them various expensive gifts. Chocolates are just one of them. The advantages provided by chocolates are listed below:-
i). Everyone like them.
ii). Not very expensive.
iv). Multipurpose – serve as “make up”, “break up”, “I love you”, “I wanna get lucky”, “I wanna split it with you” gifts.
i). Chocolates aren’t forever.
ii). Not a 100% effective.
iii). Not that cheap (at least the good stuff)(the stuff that’ll get you laid).
i). Buy chocolates and preferably gift wrap them.
ii).Choose an opportune moment and give it to her.
iii). Dude! That’s it.
Result: She’s happy and kisses you 16 times and you get to grab her buttcheeks.
Conclusion: The mindfuck works and is studied carefully.
And I’m really bored, Math sucks.
Remember Step 6? What was it? Scrutiny. Let’s discuss it. Here’s an analogy – It’s scacchic it’s like a game of chess. You have to think ahead. Two steps ahead. You look at your mindfuck target and automatically lay out you plan. How you’re going to do it. Even if your strategy is to just make up stuff along the way. What’s wrong with that?
Let’s go through this case study – there’s a fat guy. He’s incredibly funny. And there’s this pretty girl he gets to know. As of then, she’s kinda out of his league. But this guy has read the book. He knows how to mindfuck. Some might even call him a pro.
Now the girl has a fair bit in common with him. As time passes they become great friends. He’s still fat. He hasn’t given too much thought as to whether the girl likes him or not. At this point, he doesn’t care. He looks at the whole thing as a project. So he indulges in sphallolalia, still ventripotent. (translation – the fat guy continues to flirt, not knowing if it’s gonna lead anywhere). Let’s fast forward a little at this point…
Fat guy’s not fat anymore. He undergoes severe, rigorous austerities and loses 50 pounds! Now this changes everything. The girl’s totally in his league, starts fancying him and he gets this burst of confidence (feels the poise). The sense of humor starts to register. At this point it’s called charm. He continues to work his charm till a few months later when she cannot keep it in any longer, the girl confesses that she has a crush on him. They start going out and they’ve been going out steady for nearly a year now and are by far the hottest couple that I’ve had the privilege of being acquainted with.
Now that’s a mindfuck! What did the guy do right besides losing weight and being awesome and reading the book?
Project confidence: In spite of all that’s wrong with you, you project that you’re god’s gift to women. Women generally lack confidence and we like what we don’t have. Men like boobs. Women like penises. Bush liked oil. So if you project confidence, things are likely to swing your way. The guy was terribly confident whenever he was around her. Even though sometimes it was obvious that he was putting it on, he made it so obvious that she found it cute. Always sell yourself. Project a larger than life, glorified image of yourself. And be sure to make it obvious. Women are also insecure. You need to be able to make them feel comfortable around you but not so comfortable that you’re like a brother to them. And that happens. Don’t kid yourself. Don’t crack a joke that you’re not sure how they might react to. Always remember – the mindfuck is bigger than you. It demands sacrifice, willingness and dedication. It’s very serious business.
Hang in there: Like I mentioned, it’s not an exact science. You can’t tell when it’ll all come through. The guy had to wait a long time but it was worth the wait. And trust me, you tend to get too deep in it. And then you yourself won’t give up until the mind that needs to is fucked. Fortitude. It’s testing. An experienced mindfucker will have the foresight to know a lost cause when he sees one but that’s advanced stuff. You’re an amateur. You need to believe that mindfucking is like a law of nature and everyone can be subdued by it. And that’s not exactly a lie. It’s actually good mindfucking. If I told you that this isn’t foolproof, you’ll stop reading and sue me. Or go back to living your witzelsucht infested life.
FIb: it’s a cute word. Small, treacherous, smart. To fib is to lie. It’s Step 3. Every lie is a mindfuck but every mindfuck is not a lie. We often encounter situations where our parents don’t give us permission to do something we wanna do. Something that’s not dangerous and we have no real risk of getting hurt in any way. Like, staying outdoors till late. Especially chicks. Your moms and dads will flinch every time you say there’s a party you wanna go to and you’ll be late.
What’s even worse is that they’ll give you permission and later when you get back home late, they’ll give you an earful about coming home late and having flushed your morals and values down the crapper. Like you were out there pole dancing in a bar or doing tequila shots off Anil Kapoor’s chest. It’s unfair. Especially when you’re 19. And here’s the kicker – they expect you to be mature enough to make stupid decisions like electing the government or choosing your career wisely but when it comes to staying out till late. “No!! you’ll get raped!” like rapists are vampires who surface only at night. It’s not easy being a girl. Don’t make it any harder than it has to be.
Your kids are a lot smarter than you think. Maybe it’ll do us all some good if you just back off and let us grow. And keep your advice to yourself. We’ll ask for it if we need it. We know that there’s plenty more where it comes from.
So here’s the question for you – is it ok to lie to parents? We’ve all done it at some point. Even those of us who claim to have a very amicable and full disclosure relationship with our parents. There is simply no way that you tell them everything. And I get that you don’t wanna make a habit of lying to them, even if you can pull it off.
Here’s my take – it’s ok to lie as long as you don’t do something really wrong like I dunno….crystal meth or lsd. That’s not cool. But simple things that you can justify to yourself but not to them like bunking a lecture or not studying 2 months before the exam or not doing homework on a Friday night…nobody hates concerned parents but they don’t have to burn a hole in your forehead. We’ll get back to this. It’s social issue now.
This one’s called The English Teacher. I’ve fudged a few of the details so as to protect the true identities of the people involved. But make no mistake about it, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. As true as santa claus and Draupadi’s swayamvar and global warming and inflation. This incident is something idiosyncratic to a lot of you captivating young college boys out there. So…once upon a time, there was this English teacher called Mrs. Rachel Scott. A good teacher she was. She knew her subject well enough. There was nothing specifically wrong with her. Know this, she taught in a society where teachers were largely unattractive and old. She wasn’t particularly young but she made a sincere effort to look young.
Young may not be the word I’m looking for. What’s the middle ground between young and slutty? Whatever it is….till it strikes me, let’s call it cougar. So we’re talking about this cougar with a fetish. Turns out, Mrs. Scott had a thing for young college boys. Not just any boys, the eccentric ones. With curly hair and fair skin and chunky spectacles, boxer shorts, who wore full sleeved shirts rolled up to their elbows flaunting their sinewy forearms and who spoke with unmatched charisma and wrote like poets on heroin. Incidentally, one such boy existed and one semester, he was in her class. His name was Simon Douglas. Simon fit the description so splendidly that it was almost as if someone saw him and then wrote it down to describe him.
Because of her obsession, there was this crazy, outrageous sexual tension between Rachel and Simon. Rachel was blatantly prejudiced toward Simon. Even though Simon never actually encouraged it or did anything special to earn it besides being really good at everything he did. While we’re on the subject, let me take you through an affair from the Mahabharata.
It’s not iniquitous to have a favorite student. Dronacharya had a favorite student. He was obviously more talented than others. And obviously, his teacher cared for him more. Too bad he was a dude and so was his favorite student and the whole being gay thing was not so in during the vedic100s. But in the case discussed above, the teacher was a cougar and the student was her pre…ferred brand. Put yourself in two pairs of shoes. First Simon’s and then Rachel’s. Let’s try on Rachel’s first. You’re obviously smitten by the oddly masculine and unabashed boisterousness of the college boy. And he has a way with words. A certain someone once described his defining characteristic as “he possesses intellectual sexuality”. So how do you go about your business? Do you mindfuck? Do you suppress the urge you experience every time you see him to grab his balls and make uninhibited, animalistic love to him? Let’s put her age somewhere in the late 30s. You’re petrified about the onset of menopause. And you’re libido is freakishly more than what a woman your age’s should be. It’s a moral crisis. You’re also his teacher. That puts you in a mother’s place. It’s just so god damn wrong! But she’ll bet it feels right. Here’s an erotic short story to set you mood. I didn’t write it…but I’ll give you the link (or you could just google it(I know you will, pervert!)). Check out the website. I used to visit it frequently when I had just started my tryst with internet pornography but hadn’t still discovered masturbation. So back then, porn was just too audio-visual to be viewed with your mom in the same room (still is, just making a point) but you still felt the urge to be stimulated without knowing what to do with it. Turn the page. And while you’re at it, shut the door, grab some lotion and tissue papers………….
(Current Rating 86/100, based on 989 votes)
I’m not a stud or homecoming king, but despite this, I was the student that my English teacher approached for sex. When Hannah Wyatt approached me, I naturally assumed that she wanted to discuss my last assignment. Thus, the first thing out of my mouth was to apologize to Hannah Wyatt for not trying harder. Hannah Wyatt surprised me, as she locked the door to the classroom before coming back to my seat and said there was part of me that was sufficiently hard. What Hannah Wyatt did next nearly gave me a heart attack as she reached between my legs and gave my groin a gentle squeeze.
Hannah Wyatt said she noticed my approval of her for weeks and thought it was time to let me know how much she appreciated it. Hannah Wyatt’s disclosure was sort of funny, as in actuality; the thing that got my cock throbbing in the classroom was Dawn-Marie Rogers who sat in front of me in the classroom. But being a horny toad, I wasn’t about to let the chance of having sex with a beautiful grown woman like Hannah Wyatt slip away. Hannah Wyatt took me into the book closet where she had done some preparation as there were a couple of sleeping bags on the floor. Hannah Wyatt dropped to her knees before me as she began undoing my belt and jeans. When my jeans slipped down my legs, Hannah Wyatt took a moment to nuzzle the crotch of my briefs and rub against my erect penis.
And while I wasn’t hung like a horse, Hannah Wyatt stroked my penis before commenting of how my 7-incher was more than enough; but added that since I was still a growing boy, I would probably still continue to grow a bit more as she rolled back my foreskin and began licking the bulbous head of my penis. The sensations that I was feeling were incredible as I placed my hands on Hannah Wyatt’s head to keep from falling. I could sense Hannah Wyatt’s confidence as she heard my moan, as this was just the beginning as she placed her hands on my hips before taking my penis into her mouth. I was still a virgin and never experienced anything like what was happening to me, as within minutes; I climaxed and spewed out jets of cum into Hannah Wyatt’s waiting mouth which greedily swallowed everything I had.
Hannah Wyatt continued to suck on my penis until she was assured of taking all I had to give. I was in a daze, as Hannah Wyatt gave me a chance to collect myself as she undressed before stretching out on the floor. Hannah Wyatt referred to me as, “lover,” and said while giving my cock a chance to rest; it was time for me to return the favor. I didn’t know of what to do, but didn’t need to as Hannah Wyatt was more than willing to teach me everything I needed to know as she gave me instructions of where and how to lick her hairy blonde pussy. It didn’t take me very long to get used to what was expected of me and I brought Hannah Wyatt to orgasm just as easily as she had done to me. One thing that I discovered was how a woman could have multiple orgasms without being reduced to mush, as Hannah Wyatt moaned that she was having an orgasm every couple of minutes.
When I finally stopped, Hannah Wyatt kissed me and slipped her tongue into my mouth; thus, Hannah Wyatt was able to kiss the traces of her own love honey that she had ejaculated while experiencing an orgasm. Hannah Wyatt even joked that I was a much better pupil at eating pussy than her class, or of how she thought I was even better than her husband. Hannah Wyatt then gave my cock a couple of strokes before slipping a condom over my erection as she got on all fours and invited me to fuck her doggie style. I brought the head of my penis to the swollen pink opening to Hannah Wyatt’s pussy and push forward; it was then that I discovered that the chatter about condoms were accurate as it did deaden some of the sensations and allowed me to fuck Hannah Wyatt for a lot longer than her blowjob lasted. Hannah Wyatt gave me another lesson as she instructed me to rub at her clitoris while I fucked her; I didn’t really understand the significance to Hannah Wyatt’s request until she ! experienced an orgasm.
The old adage of time flying when you’re having a good time applied as before I knew it, the lunch period was nearly over as Hannah Wyatt and I needed to get clean up. Hannah Wyatt gave me a kiss before commenting on what good student I had been and hope it continues for the rest of the semester. I kissed Hannah Wyatt and wondered if my other teachers were as observant and willing.
Have a go at it!
If you’re reading Goosebumps style, those last couple of pages must’ve been fun.
So, where were before you were jerking off? Yeah, Hanna-I mean Rachel’s dilemma. You know what? Let’s get back to it later. Let’s step into Simon’s shoes now. Big shoes, huh? Well, story of his life. At his school once he had to buy new black leather shoes but he couldn’t find his size anywhere in Bata or Woodland so his teacher tells him “Go to a cobbler and have them custom made!” it’s funny how we go to cobblers only to fix our shoes these days. I doubt if they even know how to actually “make” a pair of shoes from scratch. He’ll probably just buy them from a store, rip off the tags and give them to you.
I don’t know how true this is but chicks believe that the size of your foot gives away the size of your cock. I sure hope so. Because I have huge feet. Much like Simon’s. It’s not like your shoe size is your cock size (how’s that for a thought!). It’s more like big feet = big cock.
Getting back to Simon’s quandary, Let’s assume he has a girlfriend. A hot one at that. And if all that cock talk was worth anything, she’s pretty damn lucky. And she has the most incredible, sexy, divine boobs. Like Pamela Anderson’s, only awesomer. For your imagination’s sake, let’s give her a name. Angela Rebello. Obviously, Rachel can’t compete with Angela. Let’s make a pros and cons list for both. Which is not to say that Simon made one. Simon loves Angela very much. This is just for our understanding.
Rachel First –
- The “older woman” thing: every guy’s secret fantasy.
- The “hot teacher” thing: every guy’s not-so-secret fantasy.
- Possible upgrade in his grades (which he doesn’t exactly need but still…)
- A cute story to tell his grandkids.
- She’s likely to know stuff (you know, in bed or her desk…wherever)
- Her Desk! Every guy’s fantasy. Without exceptions.
- So wrong….(wait, that might actually be a pro)
- Very eminent risk of expulsion.
- Boobs are probably saggy.
- Not particularly hot or attractive.
- Even if he doesn’t get expelled, getting caught is pretty bad and almost inevitable.
- Has to end badly. In which case he’ll end up getting a shitty term work.
Now Angela –
- He loves her. A lot.
- She loves him. A lot.
- It just wouldn’t be fair.
- She’s got really awesome boobs. Rachel’s simply don’t measure up.
- She had him at love. And then again at boobs.
- That Angela, she’s quite perfect. And it’s love. It’d be sadistic to write anything here.
You’re probably wondering if the list was of any use. Well, here’s your answer – not everything in life has a use. Sometimes you just need to do stuff. Making lists is fun. And I’m still bored. That hasn’t exactly changed. But the list wasn’t inconclusive. In spite of all the temptations, Simon didn’t act on any. Sometimes you need to think with the bigger head. I know it’s hard for you to distinguish because that’s how small your bigger head is but in time, I’m sure you’ll know which one I’m referring to. Always wait for your target to make the first move. That’s what the fat guy did. It worked. That’s what Simon did. It worked. Not really, since Rachel openly held a grudge against Angela and Simon got really bad term work.
But Simon and Angela had made a pact. It was settled that if Angela were to outscore Simon in English, she’s tutor him. “my first sex teacher” style. Turns out, Angela did in fact outscore Simon…
How ethical is a mindfuck?
I’ll be honest with you, not very. But you gotta do what you gotta do. The heart wants what the hearts wants. She’ll say sodomy ain’t cool but she wants it up her butt. I could go on metaphorizing…The important thing is that, we need to look at the greater good. I’m only assuming that majority of my readers are teenagers. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you! That’s the nonsense your parents and teachers are brainwashing you with. You don’t. It’s these few years you have ahead of you and the years that just went by. The years that you blew up, with nothing to show for. Soon enough, you’ll be married with kids and all of that nonsense and mindfucking will be like the guitar in your closet that you never bothered to learn how to play. Or like the keyboard, that you got pretty good at but didn’t follow up and now you don’t even know how to play the national anthem.
Soon, your life will be so appallingly wedged in a rut that there’ll be no getting out of it. You’ll come home from your soul sucking and yet high paying job, step into your beautiful suburban apartment, your wife (fat from making the maid do all the work) greeting you with the same expression she’s had since the day you married her and your kids that you know deep down are impeded. Life will be all good on paper, like it probably is now. But you’ll look in the mirror and see the same person you saw the first time I asked you to. Except older, fatter and slightly more pathetic. So you married your high school sweetheart and got your dream job, big deal! Millions of people do. You’ve also got your Sunday buddies that you go for morning walks with and practice laughter therapy with, not knowing if it’s healthy or just a display of poor psychological well-being. But you’ll do it anyway. Because you’re petrified of being ostracized. Because that’s what happened to you all your life and it’s burnt a gaping hole in your heart that you’re trying to fill up with facsimile happiness.
Do you really care if your older son is not good at math? You never were, things worked out just fine. They will for him too. Or one day with all the complan you’re shoving down his gut, he’ll suddenly start getting math. Good for him. Nobody cares. One gets nowhere by kidding themselves. Get into a habit of facing it. Live in a figment of your imagination. There’s nothing wrong with that but you must have at all times in your pocket the spinning top that Leonardo DiCapiro had in inception. Your very own totem. And being in a limbo is not so bad. Just know that you can switch back at will.
This is why we mindfuck. To get the little things we want. The things we can do without but the things that give us the illusion that things are going our way. Life is chasing one such illusion after another. You mindfuck a secretary into liking you even with the ring on your finger. It’s not called having an affair, it’s survival. You need a distraction. But you must not. You absolutely MUST NOT act on it. Or ever make the first move. I’ll burn the only copy of this book I’m going to print, deny having written it and flee the country. Texting during a lecture, drinking during or before a lecture, finishing assignments in class – do we have to do these things? No. but we like the rush that we get from doing them. Not everyone can mindfuck. But the ones who can, should do it from time to time. It becomes an obsession. It’s addictive. Like extreme sports. The other day, I got up during a lecture and while the teacher was rubbing the board I did a demeaning dance for a bet I laid with the guy sitting next to me for a small bottle of Johnnie Walker red label scotch. But I didn’t do it for the scotch. I did it for the rush. I did it because I’m a ‘chhavaa’. And the ‘chhavaa’ in me is quite the dancer.
Besides the immediate objective of a mindfuck, it has a lot of indirect benefits. It makes you a different person. A bad person. But you like the new you. Not because you’re sadistic but because you begin to get stuff that you want. Stuff you’ve wanted for a long time but never got, or never even tried to get.
In this chapter, we’ll talk about various human emotions, and how to deal with grief, anger, passion, etc. Now this has no real connection with mindfucking but to pretend to experience an emotion that is totally different from what you’re actually experiencing is a type of mindfuck. This is of significance when you’re looking to be a person that you’re really not, or amongst a crowd where you don’t fit in. Or in any situation where you need to show that you’re feeling something other than what you’re actually going through. We’ve all pretended to be having a good time at a family get together while it’s actually boring the crap out of us. Or in lectures where you’ll pretend to be listening and paying attention and nodding your head like you understand everything but you don’t understand shit. Or better still, knowing what the teaching is teaching because you’ve done it before but yet pretending that you’re understanding it so well because he’s the best teacher in the universe. That’s rookie stuff. I’m talking about quality stuff here. Like pretending that your results don’t affect you or you’re ok with your friends standing you up. You know, stuff like that. Or better.
The best way to deal with disappointment is to get angry. Truth is, there is no real way to deal with disappointment or grief. So the best way to cope with it is by transforming it into something that you know how to deal with. Anger can be dealt with. And anger subsides. Disappointment doesn’t. it slowly pushes you into dispassion. It’s like nascent oxygen. If it doesn’t find something to transform into, it’ll club with another disappointment and exist as a whole. So next time your results are out, don’t sulk, be angry. Noticeably angry. Like “Hey! What the fuck?! I’ll beat the shit out of you”. That’s what I’m talking about. Actually no. it’s not. Even I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I’m just closing in on 50 pages so I’ll just write whatever crap comes to my mind. And you’ll read because you’ve kept at it for until now. If you had something else to do like having a life, you wouldn’t have to read this.
Sarcasm is a knack you absolutely must acquire. It separates you from the herd and the nerd. If it doesn’t come to you naturally, work on it. You’ll never be very good but you’ll still need to. Actually, once you’re smarter than most people, you feel lonely. And even though you could care less about what they have to say, you’ll still find yourself wanting to be with them. So you feel like mocking the daylight out of them but you’ll refrain from doing so and settle for a snide comment that you can slip in every now and then just as an ego boost. Never be blatantly sarcastic to the people you love. If they pick on it, they’ll nurse a grudge against you. My mother told me once that when god deprives someone of something, like an arm, or testicles or in this case intelligence, he gives them this special power to be able to hold grudges against someone and bad things tend to happen to the said grudged person. But then again, moms tend to say stuff. But then again again, why take risks? Just be subtle when you mock. Sarcasm is a weapon of mass destruction and self destruction depending on what kind of hands it’s in. Sarcasm is the tool that can be used against tools. Remember that quote that newspapers love to publish every here and there, the “It’s better to keep quiet and let people think you’re a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt”, that’s a load of crap. But that being said, silence is a potentially disarming mindfuck. When you say something, you exclude the possibility of people thinking about the alternative. But when you keep your trap shut, people will try and figure out everything that’s possible. And it’s in that flustered state that they’re most vulnerable. And then it’s mating season! So mindfuck away…
By that logic, calling it a mindfuck would be a little unfair. It’s more like foreplay. But then again, I’m not here to judge and you’re incapable so let’s leave it at that.
What’s ethical is not always fun. Maybe I should rephrase that, what’s ethical is almost never fun. And we give ourselves plenty of reasons to not have fun. So the ethical thing to do is, to do what we owe ourselves, to go out there and have fun. And what’s fun if not had at someone else’s expense! So a mindfuck is not as unethical as pushing a blind kid into a pool. It’s in the moral grey area. And most of us are ok with it. But you won’t do it. Not because you don’t want to, but because I told you. And you just hate someone smarter than you pointing out the obvious error of your ways. Well, it’s your fucking loss.
What I write reflects the state of my mind, at least most of the time. And I said state of mind, not what I’m thinking of. That last bit was fairly self-explanatory. It’s in our nature to hate suggestions. We regret the fact that we didn’t think of it first. That’s why the first step was to admit to yourself that you’re a loser. That way, all the condescending shit I pulled off later wouldn’t have hurt so bad. And you were past that stage where you trust your own judgment and doubt what I have to say. I could’ve starting watching TV when my headphones broke but what did I do? I wrote this book. Watching TV is a waste of time. It slowly retards you. The only thing worth watching on TV is sports and commercials. And it’s a fucking waste of electricity! Stop watching TV.
No, seriously. You can watch TV the whole day and not know where time went. The time you could’ve used to do something productive. It anesthetizes your thoughts. It’s important to do that every once in a while but I shouldn’t have just described your routine Sunday. And do not underestimate the importance of solitude. You’re a loner if you have too much of it but you’re immature if you don’t have any. So the time we spend on a Sunday watching TV is just right.
This is last bit is going to be full of crap. I’ve already filled in the last couple of pages and so I have two or three left to finish it. I’m exhausted, bored and my fingers bloody hurt. But I’ll try my best to keep it from not making sense. And judging by the forewords and almost everything that’s I’ve written thus far, you should know that when I say “I’ll try my best to keep it from not making sense”, it means absolutely nothing.
While we’re talking ethics, here’s a dilemma we all go through at some point in our lives – is it ok to hit on someone who’s in a relationship? The answer might surprise you a little. It goes something like this – HELL FUCKING YEAH! Isn’t it obvious? If there’s one thing that’s out of our control, it’s being able to choose who to like or dislike. So if she’s stuck with some guy that you’re better than, and if you want her and absolutely believe that she’d rather have you than him, then go for it! There’s absolutely nothing unethical about trusting your instincts and pursuing your heart. And it’s not like we can help it. You’ll do it anyway. So you might as well believe that it’s the right thing to do. As for girls, listen to avril lavigne’s girlfriend. You’ll know what I mean. (Yeah! Like I need to ask you to listen to it).
Here’s some advice I wish I hadn’t received the hard way – imposition is what gets you ahead in life. Impose. Impose yourself, your views, your ideas. Be not afraid if people will understand them or accept them or take you for what you are. If you can impose yourself properly, all the treasures in life are yours.
I’m going to end the book on this abrupt note so you feel cheated and flustered. And so this concludes one of the better mindfucks I’ve ever pulled. Thanks for being a part of it. Your mom’s gonna be really proud.
Here’s a little free advice. Or should I say, a little more free advice. If there’s a step 9, there has to be a step 10. No self-respecting author would write a 9 step self help guide. But you were just too stupid to think of that. Here’s step 10 – THE AFTERFUCK. If you’re in a healthy relationship and have a fulfilling sex life (look who I’m asking!), you know the importance of cuddling and pillow talk. It’s one of those things you just have to do, as much as you might hate doing it. But life’s all about doing things you hate so you get to do things you like. A mindfuck just doesn’t feel right without just lying there and appreciating the obviously low levels of body fluids. It’s like sex. Even better if the purpose was in fact to have sex. You need to follow up. Finish, terminate, surface off what you’ve done. It’s not essential, but I’m a gentleman and a perfectionist. And nothing’s essential. Some things are just done because they feel right. You don’t want the mindfucked to have to take the walk of shame the next morning. You should wanna still be friends. Make her a cup of coffee. Tell her you had a great time last night. And lie. Or make an excuse. Being upfront and honest is for people who can afford to you’re not of them. So you do it the right way. If you screwed someone over (which is pretty obvious because you read the book and wanted to try it. And it worked), don’t gloat. You don’t have to be a prick. Respect the humanity and trust out there. It’s your livelihood. You feed on it. So be nice. Be nasty and then nice. Hurt someone and then apologize. Take from them what you want and then say sorry. It’s a good way to live life.
All books have it. It’s all this that separates it from a blog. But more importantly, it’s more prestigious to be an author than a blogger. So, according to Wikipedia, this part of the book is supposed to “bring closure to the book”. Here’s some closure – you’ve just read 50 pages of sheer nonsense. How does it feel? Productive? If not, there’s going to be no refund since you never really paid anything. But still, my conscience would feel really queasy if I didn’t preach anything. This is not the kind of book you can grasp in one read. So read it again. Make notes. Then read it yet again. Reading is a good habit. And reading self-help books gives one perspective in life.
I’m a huge fan of the Dave Matthews Band. Most of this book was written listening to “Seek up”, “Deed is Done”, “Tripping Billies”. Listen to “Seek up” when you get the time. It’s a great song. The lyrics won’t hit you immediately. It’s like some of the stuff I’ve talked about. But with time you’ll realize that everything I’ve mentioned is as true as prostitution.
I would particularly like to express my heartfelt gratitude to Sean John Combs popularly known as P. Diddy for his character played in the movie Get Him to The Greek that goes by the name of Sergio. It was his concept of mindfucking that I saw potential in and decided to take it to the next level.
I’d also like to thank Pranshu Kalvani, the bass guitarist for rubberband and Kunal Parikh who is not a part of any band that I’ve heard or heard of for taking time out to read my book and writing forewords for it. Both are close friends of mine but I’m pretty sure that that had nothing to do with the outstanding reviews they gave my book. I appreciate it guys, hope reading it was a truly life changing experience. I’d expect nothing less from either of you.
And last but not the least, the headphone guy. If he hadn’t opened up late that day, the world would’ve lost out on this masterpiece. He’s pretty good. For all your headphone, earphone, mic, speaker problems, highly recommended.
About the Author…
Siddhant Dwivedee was born on 10 December 1991; a year and a half later the infamous serial bomb blasts rocked Mumbai. As a kid Siddhant was extremely round (calling him gluttonically fat may incur his wrath). He could down well over ten parathas at a go; it seemed as though he and his mom were competing to see who would tire first, obviously the latter lost. Siddhant had been pretty certain about his sexual orientation since childhood, only the arrival of a certain Mr. Asher rocked his boat and had him momentarily confused and then there was running behind trees, “WRESTLING” on the floor……. But now Sid is blissfully happy in a relationship (good for him)!! Fatty has started pumping iron recently; he might be at the gym even as I write this thing (the trainers at the gym were exasperated but eventually relieved when a severe bout of jaundice made Sid thin). Siddhant’s sarcasm is certainly food for thought; anyways a normal person doesn’t understand half the things he says, cuz what he says he doesn’t mean (just kidding) and we just smile and nod. Hey I’m not “judging” the fatass just cut him some slack. Mr.Siddhant has never written a book before therefore on reading his book ‘Mindfucking for Dummies’ I was MINDFUCKED myself (this in itself is a big compliment cuz he knows I rarely use the f-word). I would suggest all those who don’t have a life to read this book (hey wait a second do I fall in that category too?) if u don’t like it don’t tell him so cuz the fatass doesn’t like being judged…….
– Yash Thadhani
Added specially in this The MindFucking………for dummies Journal edition
From the bottom of what I like to call heart – An author’s note.
Still not a mindfucker, eh? You dumb son of a bitch! Well, daddy’s back! Meaner, condescendinger and even more male centric and misogynistic than the last time. Presenting to you, Mindfucking for dummies Dwitiya, with a vengeance.
Just kidding. The fact that you’re not a mindfucker yet is a failure of the first book. Because you were a failure to begin with, so blaming you would be like blaming the slow kid for not acing the test. It’s in-fucking-evitable. But this book is retard proof. No fancy maneuvers, nothing you can’t handle.
It’s funny how I’m saying all this without a fucking clue as to how I’m gonna make all that happen. But if don’t trust myself, then why the fuck will you? I’ll tell you why the fuck. You suck. You read mffd 1 and learnt nothing. Zilch. Either you love me too much or you hate yourself too much. But then again, Bill Clinton would’ve had his sex spree even if he was the president of Afghanistan. The point is, you gotta fuck what you gotta fuck. Actually no. I just said that because it sounded cool. The real point is, by some miracle of the boredom gods, you’re reading what’s arguably the most unflattering and nonsensical piece of literature known to mankind. That is, if it qualifies as literature to begin with.
That being said, welcome aboard to a magical journey of mindfucking heaven where we, the producers make you feel like you, yes – you can mindfuck anything that you lay your eyes on. Where you see people as objects whose every cavity you must fuck with the penis that is your mind, especially the sockets of their eyes. Fasten your seatbelts, pull up your underwear and prepare to take off. Next destination – fuckyland.
Even more love than the last time,
You know where to find me – nowhere.
Chapter One – what went wrong?
The answer is simple, me. It takes a man with a big penis to accept his mistake (well in theory, it only takes a big man. But studies have shown that big men=big feet=big penises so by the universal law of ipso facto, ipso facto)
I overestimated your capability. My bad. I take full and wholesome responsibility for it. Baby steps this time. We’ll assess everything that you do wrong (so practically, everything you do). Let’s take a simple situation – hot chick at the college. So you don’t have wet dreams about her but you wanna at least be friends with her. She’s a senior and wouldn’t even be caught without make up talking to you. Here’s how you go about it.
Don’t go about it. What? You don’t have the raw materials. She’s too hot and funny and charming and you, you’re reading mffd, mffd 2!
But I’m not an asshole. Here’s what you do – you look, from far. Like a coward, not a pervert. You make yourself want her. Desire is a stern motivator. It keeps you on your toes.
Now wait. Opportunity may be a bitch, but she ain’t a whore. She’ll flash you one time. In that one time, you gotta see all the boob you can see (hey jackass, I’m personifying opportunity. Stop picturing her bosom). There’s gotta be a time when you’re alone with her, in the library or the office, or somewhere. That’s not it. Nah..you’re not Colin Firth from Love Actually. Don’t try to be the gladiator who in a moment of vulnerability swept her off her feet…….
Continued in Mindfucking for dummies 2!!
She finally decided it was not a sin
And slowly put her finger in
It hurt a little but felt good
As she gently caressed the hood
She bought herself a tube of lube
And started fondling her boob
She moaned and moaned and flicked her bean
And whispered some things that were well, unclean!
But her fingers were small so after much ado,
She decided that she would use a dildo.
It rocked her world, she shrieked with joy
God bless whoever invented this wonderful toy!
Deep inside did the dildo dip
As she panted hard and bit her lip
She was now completely wet
But was far from satisfied yet
She came once and soon came again
Gone was her stress and gone was the pain
She then took the dildo out
It was sheer euphoria, without a doubt.
She had never felt this way before
But now she had become a whore
And even though her hymen was spilt
She said to herself “By God! It was worth it!”
And that concludes the masturbation song
To every girl it does belong.
For more, stay tuned for…MFFD 2!
(Please note that their handwritings have been changed to protect their identities)
The author writes that the book (that has the title on the cover page mildly hidden from what it actually is) helps you find your potential. And when you dislike referring to the free dictionary when you read books, here, I felt almost like a live conversation with the author. In the beginning of the book, the author convinces that “yes, you are not a stud, so get back to reality” and then, how do you solve this problem. Bingo, that works.
“Ethical mindfucking”-voilà! Theories, experiments!!!(“ dude I am a future engineer”)…a “free Man” and his “free mind”…a perfect roller coaster ride!!
– Rachana D, Future IT Whiz and Winner of “Best Female Classical voice of the country”
- The moment Siddhant came to me with his book; I knew this was a writer struggling to play his part as an engineer.
These are the pages of a misguided force, a writer in engineer’s clothes clamoring any attention through his writing. This is a peep inside the convoluted world of Siddhant’s college life through the eyes of a sarcastic victim.
Giving encouragement to others suffering the same fate, through condescending anecdotes, a step-by-step instructional on how to live with yourself in the closet.
Sid you have a long journey to honing this craft, but I hope you stick it out. Keep writing.
– Stuart DaCosta, bass player of the century. Look him up.
- A comment on MFFD.
I hope you have completed the book before you read this.
Siddhant, at the end (abrupt?), says “And so this concludes one of the better mindfucks I’ve ever pulled.” So that automatically puts you, the reader, into one of two categories – The Ones Who Knew and The Idiots who have no life. I hope for your sake that you knew this book was supposed to be the mindfuck before you finished it. If you actually picked up (or downloaded) this book wanting to learn something to improve your life, well, there’s nothing anyone can really do for you. And you can stop reading this now.
The book itself is a collection of thoughts that you can breeze through in one evening or a few lectures in college. Condescending is what this book is. Of course, it has every right to be condescending if you’re reading it. Really.
Funny in parts, annoying throughout, MFFD has instructions and experiments to keep the reader engaged. Or make him vomit. Also, if you follow all the instructions to the T, you will end up in one of the gutters outside the railway station closest to your house.
One last observation, there are too many dots after titles or headings. Like, um………………. Yea……………….. this. Hell, the title has nine dots. I don’t know why I just typed that (or counted the number of dots).
Inside Scoop: The author is not sure about another MFFD book.He says,“its one of those things..you write one and move on..”
Rohit Mani. Extremely sleep deprived right now.
– The Rohit Mani, The Man, the Mystery, the Mani.
- The book starts out on a tangent. In the end, you realize Siddhant has brought you back to where he intends you to be. Mindfucking did just that. A battle rages inside whether to throw away my inner shield and lie to my parents, or to simply throw away this goddamn book which puts things into my mind.
A different if not refreshing read. Definitely for people who lead insipid lives. Or you just wouldn’t be reading a book by some college going guy would you? (Unless he’s your friend of course in which case you would be *cough**unfortunately* obliged.)
ps sid: i took a leaf out of your book while writing this review : lie lie and lie some more
– Sriram Bala, who’ll someday write a book that I’ll someday read.
- ‘Mind effing for dummies’ well that’s what Siddhant had to do to get me to write this. After a lot of persuasion and instigation I would like to say that this book is totally shit. Read at your own risk as it can totally worsen your already worse day. But I would await the next edition, an amazing writer that he is😉
– Asmita Saokar, who gave me permission to modify her review because she thought and I quote, “I know its (her review, not my book jackass) boring :P”.
First things first, this book isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. If you don’t have a sense of humor and can manage to watch only PG 13 movies without cringing, then keep away from this work. He’ll write a kiddie version for you and that hopefully won’t offend your delicate system. As for the rest, this book is a delight. It’s sarcastic, funny and at times, downright insulting. But then again, that’s the idea of this book. He tries to goad us into action and tries his best to make us even more awesome..Kind of like a makeover, except that it may give you more returns. I must admit, I haven’t yet taken his advice but I’ve heard that it’s worked for many others.. After all it is tried and tested by the author himself and it works like magic for him! Keep writing, may we see more of your works and who knows? You may be the next self-help guru in town.
– Bharathi Bala